531. 6. Thus is conjugial love imputed to a person. There are marriages in which conjugial love is not apparent and yet exists, and there are marriages in which conjugial love appears to exist and yet does not. The reasons in both cases are many, recognizable in part from our discussions of truly conjugial love (nos. 57-73), of the reasons for cold states and separation (nos. 234-260), and of the reasons for apparent love and friendship in marriage (nos. 271-292). But appearances in outward manifestations determine nothing in regard to imputation. The only determining factor is the conjugial disposition that is lodged and harbored in a person's will, in whatever state of marriage the person lives. This conjugial disposition is like the tongue of a balance by which that love is weighed; for the conjugial union of one man with one wife is the precious jewel of human life and the repository of Christian religion, as we showed above in nos. 457, 458.

This being the case, it is possible for conjugial love to exist in one partner and not at the same time in the other. It is possible as well for that love to lie so deeply hidden that the person himself has no awareness of it. And it may also be implanted during the course of one's life. The reason is that conjugial love in its progress accompanies religion; and because religion is the marriage of the Lord and the church, religion is what initiates and infuses that love. Consequently conjugial love is imputed to a person after death in accordance with his spiritual rational life. Moreover, for one to whom that love is imputed, a marriage is, after his passing, provided in heaven, whatever the character of any marriage he may have had in the world.

From this now proceeds the following conclusion, that one ought not to take the appearances in marriages or the appearances in acts of licentiousness and infer from them of someone that he has conjugial love or not. Therefore, Judge not, that you be not condemned. (Matthew 7:1)

234. REASONS IN MARRIAGE FOR COLD STATES, SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

In considering in this chapter reasons for cold states in marriage, we take up also at the same time grounds for separation and divorce. We do this because they are interconnected; for separations come about only as a result of cold states progressively developed after marriage, or as a result of factors discovered after marriage which in turn lead to coldness. Divorce, moreover, is impelled by acts of adultery, because these are completely opposed to marriage, and being opposed they induce coldness, if not in both partners, still in the one.

That is why we put reasons for cold states, separation and divorce together into the same chapter. The interconnection between the reasons, however, is more clearly perceived from seeing them in sequence. A sequential arrangement of them is as follows:

1. People experience spiritual warmth and spiritual coldness; and spiritual warmth is love, while spiritual coldness is its absence and loss.

2. Spiritual coldness in marriage is a disunion of souls and disjunction of minds, resulting in indifference, discord, contempt, loathing, and aversion, and leading finally in many cases to separation from the bed, bedroom and house.

3. Reasons for cold states in their gradual progressions are many, some of them internal, some external, and some incidental.

4. Internal reasons for cold states stem from religion.

5. Of these reasons, the first is rejection of religion by both partners.

6. A second is one partner's having religion and not the other.

7. A third is one partner's having one religion and the other partner another.

8. A fourth is ingrained falsity of religion.

9. These are causes of an inward coldness, but in many cases not at the same time of an outward one.

10. External reasons for coldness are also many; and of these, the first is a dissimilarity of dispositions and manners.

11. A second is believing that conjugial love is no different from licentious love, only that the latter is forbidden by law, while the former is allowed.

12. A third is competition between the partners for superiority.

13. A fourth is an absence of focus on any pursuit or business, resulting in promiscuous lust.

14. A fifth is inequality of station and condition in the partners' outward circumstances.

15. There are also several reasons for separation.

16. Of these, the first is an impairment of the mind.

17. A second is an impairment of the body.

18. A third is impotence prior to marriage.

19. Adultery is ground for divorce.

20. Incidental reasons for coldness are also many; and of these, the first is ordinariness from being continually allowed.

21. A second is the sense that living with one's partner is compelled by covenant and law and not free.

22. A third is declaration by the wife of her love and discourse by her about it.

23. A fourth is the man's thinking of his wife day and night that she wants to, and conversely the wife's thinking of her husband that he does not want to.

24. As coldness develops in the mind, so it also develops in the body; and in the measure that this coldness grows, the outward aspects of the body close up as well.

Explanation of these statements now follows.