216. 6. People who have real married love focus on the permanence of marriage, but the reverse holds true for those who do not. People who have real married love focus on permanence because eternity is in that love. Its permanence comes from the fact that the love in the wife and the wisdom in the husband grow forever, and during the growth or progress the partners enter deeper and deeper into the blessings of heaven, which have their wisdom and its love stored away in them. So if the notion of permanence were erased or slipped their minds for some reason, it would be as if they were thrown out of heaven.
The following experience gave me a clear view of what the condition of married partners in heaven is like when the idea of permanence slips their minds and in place of it a notion of impermanence slips in.
Once two married partners from heaven were with me by permission, and then some smooth — talking scamp took away their idea of the permanence of marriage. When it was gone they began to wail, saying that they could not live any more and that they felt a distress they never felt before. Their angel friends in heaven noticed this, and the scamp was removed and thrown out. Then the idea of permanence instantly came back to them, which cheered them with heartfelt happiness, and they hugged each other tenderly.
Besides this, I heard two married partners who sometimes cultivated the notion of permanence, sometimes the notion of impermanence.
The reason was that inside they were not alike. When they had the idea of permanence they were happy with each other, but when they had the notion that it was temporary, they said, "It isn't a marriage any more."
The wife said, "I'm not a wife any longer but a mistress."
The man said, "I'm not a husband any more but an adulterer."
So when they found out about this inner difference the man left the woman and the woman left the man. Still, they both had the idea of the permanence of marriage, so later they were put together with partners like themselves.
These things clearly show that people who have real married love look for permanence, and that if this slips from the inmost core of their thought they are separated as far as married love goes, although not, at the same time, as far as friendship goes, for this resides on the surface. Married love resides within.
It is the same in marriages on earth. When partners love each other tenderly they think about the permanence of the covenant and do not think at all about death ending it. If they do, they grieve. Still, they are revived by hope at the thought of its continuing after death.
216a 7. Married love resides in chaste wives, but their love still depends on their husbands. The reason is that wives are born loves, so it is built into them to want to be one with their husbands, and they continually nurture their love due to thinking from this wish of theirs. As a result, to back off from the effort to unite themselves with their husbands would be to back off from themselves.
Husbands are different. Since they are not born loves but receivers of the love that comes from wives, the wives' entrance with their love depends on the husbands' accepting it, while to the extent that they do not accept the wives' entrance, the wives with their love stand outside and wait. This happens only in the case of chaste wives, though. It is different with unchaste wives.
These observations establish that the love in marriage resides with wives but that their love depends on their husbands.
